Source: The Coaching Academy – The UK’s largest school for Life Coaching

Why setting goals is good for you

I love setting myself challenging goals. I set myself goals to do with my business, my health, my family (my role in the family, not theirs!) and even goals that will be fun. Consciously working towards the things that you love is fantastic as anyone who does this will agree. So it still surprises me how often I meet people who tell me that they don't set any goals, they don't see the point. I'm all for acceptance of others, but I do wonder whether their belief is actually true. You see, I think we all set goals, even if we don't do it consciously. Hands up if you've ever set out to achieve something and then achieved it? All of you? Yes of course you have!

We're designed to want to set goals for ourselves from the moment we're born. Who reading this still needs to be fed by their mum or dad with a spoon? Who still needs to be taken to the toilet? If you're reading this I'm guessing you once set a goal to learn to read too (and yes, you did that not your teachers or parents). We all set goals all of the time and thank goodness we do because life would be pretty dull otherwise. I truly believe setting goals is good for all of us and here are some of my reasons why:

1. Goals help you to think about what you want out of life. They help you to focus and clarify what matters and what doesn't.
   
2. Goals give you something to work towards, and you get to have that brilliant sense of achievement when you reach them.
   
3. Goals are fun! Especially if you set goals that really mean something to you.
   
4. Goals make you work harder. Yes, this is a good thing, as long as you're working towards what you want.
   
5. Goals develop you as a person. Think of all the things you can do now that you couldn't a few years ago.
   
6. Goals give you confidence. Every time we achieve something beyond what we were previously capable of, we feel more confident in ourselves.
   

So goals are great; but what happens if you don't set about to achieve any?

If you don't have any goals at all you're probably drifting along, living day by day without any kind of plan. You may be just getting by, soldiering on or any other cliché that springs to your mind. You might be one of those people who, when you ask them how they are, they say "mustn't grumble" or "not too bad thanks". Sounds delightful!

I invite you now to join the growing revolution; start to think about what you want and start to plan how you're going to bring it about. Set yourself a goal to be a goal-setter!

Need help? Call me! 07749 791707

Communicating with your teen

As a coach to teenagers I often come across parents who say to me that they feel they just can't communicate with their teenage son or daughter. It seems that whatever they say, it's always the wrong thing . Life can become very stressful when faced with battles over seemingly everything. So who's to blame? Is it the kids or the parents who are creating the problem?

Actually, I don't think it's helpful to see this as a problem. Challenges over communication are part of life, this isn't just a teenage issue. Having said that, teens do bring added challenges.  Have you ever seen the postcard 'Quick, ask a teenager while they still know it all!'  I love that; it brings back memories of my own earlier years when I thought that my parents were utterly ignorant and that everything was simple!  Teens can often be regarded as difficult, moody and unresponsive. They can also be quite hurtful (unwittingly) to others who don't fit in with what's trendy.

If this is a challenge for you, what can you do about it?  Below (in no particular order) are some ideas you could try, let me know how you get on!

1) How well do you listen? 

Often we get so wrapped up in our own 'stuff' that we think we're listening when we're actually planning our day ahead, or thinking about our to do list. Practice actively listening to your teen; the car can be a great place for this because you've got them captive. Rate yourself as a listener.  Remember, you're a role model.

2) Reflect back what they're saying to you.

Teenager: "I hate school, Mr B is so unfair!"  Your natural response may be something along the lines of  'Don't talk about your teacher like that' or 'I'm sure that's not true.'  Result? You've put their back up and they've gone into defensive mode. 

Try another way; your response could be: "You think Mr B has been unfair?" or "You sound fed up, do you want to talk about it?"  Trial and error works best with this, they may respond with telling you about the situation (communication, hooray!) or they may just say "Well he has!".  Either way, what you haven't done is tell them how very wrong they are to think the way they do. 

3) Describe what you don't like rather than accusing

'When the house is a mess, I start to feel stressed out' will get a  marginally better response than saying 'You've made the house a mess, clean it up!'  An even better way would be to say what you want 'I need to get the house tidy for the weekend, can you help by moving your stuff please'

4) Smile!  

We're great at smiling when our children are little, but how often do we smile at our teenagers? 

5) Beginnings and endings

No matter what happens, make a decision to start and end each day with a positive. A simple, 'I love you' before bed can mean the world to a teen, but don't expect them to show it. 

6)  What are you looking for?

How will you know if your communication with your teenager is good? Note down what would be different compared to now so that you'll be able to tell when you've got there.

7) Be mindful that good communication is an ongoing goal

You'll need to keep focusing on improving communication as often as possible or you'll soon revert back to old habits. Do you need to write yourself a note to remind yourself?

8) Don't expect their communication to improve

You've set this as a goal for you to work on, it doesn't automatically follow that you're child will suddenly want to communicate well with you. Stick with it and you'll get better responses, but it may take a while, particularly if your child is used to feeling they have to defend themselves.  Teens are greatly influenced by their peers, but over a lifetime our parents are far more influential in our lives. Remember this when you're wondering why you bother!

9) Be clear about the benefits of working on this

What will you gain if you communicate well with your teen? What's in it for you?  How will life be better if you make these changes? If you know why you're doing this, you're more likely to stick at it.

10) Remember that we're all fallible human beings

We all make mistakes all the time, it's part of life. There will be times when you say and do things that create conflict with your teen; that's ok. We're not trying to be perfect here, we're just aiming to improve communication. Saying 'sorry' can be really powerful, as can never giving up. Every time you have a positive interaction with your teen, that's fantastic, you're on the journey!

I strongly recommend the How to Talk so Kids Can Listen, and Listen so Kids can Talk series by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

These are just a few ideas to get you thinking, you'll have many more of your own. The teenage years are among the toughest in our lives; knowing that they're accepted and loved by their parents can make a massive difference.  Good communication helps to show this.

Happy communicating!

With love, Lisa xx

One of 'those' days?

Do you ever wake up and feel like you're in 'one of those moods'?  You know the one; where everything seems like hard work, you just know you're about to have a Bad Day.  Have you ever thought about just observing those thoughts and feelings rather than taking them as truth?

 I woke up in one of those moods today; I felt lethargic and incapable.  Even getting out of bed seemed like a lot of trouble.  Here's what my thought processes were like:

"I've got such a lot to do today, but I feel soooo tired, I just won't be able to get it all done." ..."Maybe I'm ill?"... "Sometimes we just need to write off the day and not worry about it, we're not robots after all.".... "No-one can be happy and full of energy all the time."

Sound familiar?

Can you see what I was doing? I was mentally programming myself for an ineffective day and I wasn't even that aware I was doing it because I was so sucked into my own story!  I was justifying the fact that I was letting myself off the hook by making sweeping assumptions that I could be ill, and making generalisations about people. Now you may have guessed that I'm not feeling that way anymore, otherwise I probably wouldn't be writing this.  So what happened to break the pattern?

I decided to be the observer of my own thoughts. I paid attention to the language I was using in my head and to the pictures I was creating. I also paid attention to where in my body I was feeling the sense of lethargy (in my head, stomach and chest area).  I decided not to judge the feelings and thoughts, but not to let them be my master either. I was going to carry on as normal and just notice what I noticed.

So now it's lunchtime and I feel great. In fact I feel like laughing as I write this because I'm remembering how rotten I felt earlier and how I could have let that be my 'truth' for the day.  So, how are you feeling? What story are you telling yourself today?  If it isn't the one you want to hear you can always send it some love and start to tell yourself a different one.

Have a brilliant day, whatever you decide to do with it!

With love, Lisa xx
PS If you're thinking that some of my thoughts were 'true' and reasonable, it may be worth paying close attention to the stories you tell yourself and the language you use.

What is your inner voice telling you?

When I woke up this morning I knew I had a lot of work to do.  I keep a notepad by the side of my bed so I can write down whatever's on my mind as I wake; this morning the list was long!  Later, as I marched my children to school with a sense of urgency I thought about how I was going to tackle the day to get the most work done. 

Now, I'm lucky enough to live in beautiful Sheffield, and the walk of just over a mile to school involves some fairly steep hills with fantastic views of the Peak District.  Today, as I bounded up the hill with my daughters straggling behind, I felt an urge to stop and look at the view.  I stood for no more that thirty seconds admiring the hills and how the sky looked so bright and clear; but that was long enough for me to realise that I wanted to be out there, walking among the sheep and enjoying the sunshine. 

No sooner had the thought of actually going out to the Peaks occurred to me, other voices piped up.  "You've got too much to do, you'll be wasting your time, it's only a form of procrastination!"  Within seconds of having that inner knowing of where I wanted to be, I'd talked myself out of it.  I was going to do the sensible thing, get my head down and get on with my work.

A few minutes later and we'd arrived at school, daughters were duly kissed and waved off and I was on my way home.  At this point in my walk I again imagined myself sat on a rock enjoying the hills and the view.  The doubts were still there, but this time I knew I was going. Nothing was going to stop me.

As I drove out to the Peaks, the doubts crept in again. Was I just procrastinating? Was I just giving in to a whim? Was I doing the right thing when I had so much to do? While thinking these thoughts I missed a turn and had to go the long way round, a sign I decided, that I'd made a mistake.  Then it started to rain.

Later than I'd expected, I arrived at Burbage, a beautiful hill covered in enormous rocks for climbing on or scrambling under.  I made my way to the top, and as soon as I got there I felt peaceful.  I sat on a rock, overlooking a forest, hills and a once-again clear sky.  I watched and breathed and was grateful.

A few minutes later my inner voice told me it was time to go, and it pointed me in a different direction.  Curious as to where it would take me, I followed my instincts.  To my delight, I saw a polecat shoot past me.  It hid behind a rock and then peeped out, staring straight at me, wondering what I would do.  I stood stock still and watched the polecat watching me. After a couple of minutes it realised I posed no threat, and disappeared off.  It was a great experience, I've never seen one before.

The way back seemed to be harder than the way there; there were so many big rocks I needed to climb up and at times the way seemed to be completely blocked. I wanted to turn back, but my inner voice calmly told me, 'Keep going, find a way. There is always a way'  as I made my way back up to the top I saw the wisdom in the words and I realised without doubt that I'd definitely done the right thing. 

I'm back home now and of course I'm on my computer.  I wanted to share this with you because, well because my inner voice is guiding me to.  I don't always listen to my inner voice, but when I take the trouble to, cast aside my doubts and negativity, I'm always glad I did.

With love, Lisa xx

Normal?

I had an interesting discussion about the use of language with a group the other day and it got me thinking. We were discussing the importance/unimportance of living a normal life. It became quickly apparent that the word 'normal' seems to have different meanings. If a doctor says it to you you're probably pleased, if you describe your situation as normal you may mean that it's a bit routine and boring, or that you're finally recovering from some kind of trauma.  When we're teenagers we just want to 'be normal' meaning we want to fit in with others and develop breasts and chest hair (preferably not both!) at the same rate, yet equally we rally against the normality of our parents and teachers.  Some gurus out there advise us to 'be anything but normal - be extraordinary'.  We may feel embarrased if we're in some way connected with someone who's 'not normal'.    

So is it good or bad to be normal, or is it both or neither?

My dictionary defines normal as 'conforming to what is standard or usual'.  So I guess normal could be seen as good, bad or indifferent depending on your viewpoint.  Is what is normal to you, normal to others?  We're all guilty of making assumptions that what we find normal, others will too.  When you interact with others, how willing are you to accept that their version of normal may be vastly different from yours?

Normal can be used to mean anything from boring, everyday and ordinary to sane, healthy and like others.  Depending on our definition of normal we may rally against it, or be glad to experience it.  As coaches, teachers and parents it may be useful to recognise that some people long to be normal, while others long to be anything but.  Start with yourself; what does the word normal mean to you? How much do you want to lead a normal life, be normal and do normal things?  How you feel about this will impact on how you judge others.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just accept that ok just the way we are? 

Anais Nin said that 'we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are'.  We take in the world through our five senses and use our mind, spirit, thoughts and intuition to filter this vast wealth of information. Be mindful of this as you interact with others because the person it most affects is you. If you're the kind of person that can't understand why anyone would want to keep jetting off to do dangerous things, see if you can respect that their idea of normal is different to yours.  Equally, if you love new experiences, accept that some people love and are thankful for the routines of their 'normal' lives. 

Life would be great if we could all accept each other!

With love, Lisa xx

What are your dreams?

When you were young you probably knew that there were a million things you could do.  You may have said 'one day I'm going to be a ... and .... and a .....'  There probably weren't many doubts in your mind.  Now that you're a bit older, I wonder how often you still say 'one day I'm gonna...'.  How often do you daydream about all those great things you're going to be, do and have?  How much do you allow yourself to think and dream beyond what is already in your life?

As you read this you may be recognising that you do this all the time. In that case, fantstic!  All you need to do is keep it up and start to put things into action.  If, on the other hand, you're one of the many people who is so busy just getting through life that you haven't done this for a while, you may want to read on.

When we're busy, which if you're a parent or teacher you probably are, we often lose sight of what we were aiming for.  When we were young and free we had ambitions and dreams; but nowadays just making it through to bedtime may be all that you want to do.  One year can soon blend into another without us even noticing the time passing. All too soon we can be looking back over our lives and thinking 'where did that go?'

I want to urge you to STOP, whatever it is that you may be busy doing (after you've finished reading of course!) and take stock.  Today really is the perfect day to start to dream again, so start NOW. How you do this is up to you; you may want to meditate on it, write a list, draw a mind-map, whatever suits you best. But do it! 

Great questions to ask yourself are: 'how could life be better?'  and 'if I knew I was going to be successful, what would I do?'  What are your answers to those questions?

While you're dreaming, it's worth noticing the feelings that are going on for you.  Are you feeling excited, full of dread, or something else?  Be mindful of how you really feel and just notice without judging. You may want to write down the dream and the feeling, e.g. I dream of being a singer - the feelings are a mixture of nerves and excitement.  Or... I dream of travelling the world and  I feel free!  Whatever you dream and whatever you feel are perfectly ok, they're part of you.

One final step; put a circle around the dream that you'd most like to come true. Now think of as many things as possible that you could do to make it happen.  Then, last of all, actually do one of those things!

The wonderful Denis Waitley once said that we should think of our IQ not as our intelligence quotient but our imagination quotient.  Let your imagination run riot!

Have fun!  Lisa xx
Need help to make your dreams come true? Call me on 07749 791707 or email me at info@lisareadcoaching.com.    You've got nothing to lose but mundaneness!