Why setting goals is good for you

I love setting myself challenging goals. I set myself goals to do with my business, my health, my family (my role in the family, not theirs!) and even goals that will be fun. Consciously working towards the things that you love is fantastic as anyone who does this will agree. So it still surprises me how often I meet people who tell me that they don't set any goals, they don't see the point. I'm all for acceptance of others, but I do wonder whether their belief is actually true. You see, I think we all set goals, even if we don't do it consciously. Hands up if you've ever set out to achieve something and then achieved it? All of you? Yes of course you have!

We're designed to want to set goals for ourselves from the moment we're born. Who reading this still needs to be fed by their mum or dad with a spoon? Who still needs to be taken to the toilet? If you're reading this I'm guessing you once set a goal to learn to read too (and yes, you did that not your teachers or parents). We all set goals all of the time and thank goodness we do because life would be pretty dull otherwise. I truly believe setting goals is good for all of us and here are some of my reasons why:

1. Goals help you to think about what you want out of life. They help you to focus and clarify what matters and what doesn't.
   
2. Goals give you something to work towards, and you get to have that brilliant sense of achievement when you reach them.
   
3. Goals are fun! Especially if you set goals that really mean something to you.
   
4. Goals make you work harder. Yes, this is a good thing, as long as you're working towards what you want.
   
5. Goals develop you as a person. Think of all the things you can do now that you couldn't a few years ago.
   
6. Goals give you confidence. Every time we achieve something beyond what we were previously capable of, we feel more confident in ourselves.
   

So goals are great; but what happens if you don't set about to achieve any?

If you don't have any goals at all you're probably drifting along, living day by day without any kind of plan. You may be just getting by, soldiering on or any other cliché that springs to your mind. You might be one of those people who, when you ask them how they are, they say "mustn't grumble" or "not too bad thanks". Sounds delightful!

I invite you now to join the growing revolution; start to think about what you want and start to plan how you're going to bring it about. Set yourself a goal to be a goal-setter!

Need help? Call me! 07749 791707

Communicating with your teen

As a coach to teenagers I often come across parents who say to me that they feel they just can't communicate with their teenage son or daughter. It seems that whatever they say, it's always the wrong thing . Life can become very stressful when faced with battles over seemingly everything. So who's to blame? Is it the kids or the parents who are creating the problem?

Actually, I don't think it's helpful to see this as a problem. Challenges over communication are part of life, this isn't just a teenage issue. Having said that, teens do bring added challenges.  Have you ever seen the postcard 'Quick, ask a teenager while they still know it all!'  I love that; it brings back memories of my own earlier years when I thought that my parents were utterly ignorant and that everything was simple!  Teens can often be regarded as difficult, moody and unresponsive. They can also be quite hurtful (unwittingly) to others who don't fit in with what's trendy.

If this is a challenge for you, what can you do about it?  Below (in no particular order) are some ideas you could try, let me know how you get on!

1) How well do you listen? 

Often we get so wrapped up in our own 'stuff' that we think we're listening when we're actually planning our day ahead, or thinking about our to do list. Practice actively listening to your teen; the car can be a great place for this because you've got them captive. Rate yourself as a listener.  Remember, you're a role model.

2) Reflect back what they're saying to you.

Teenager: "I hate school, Mr B is so unfair!"  Your natural response may be something along the lines of  'Don't talk about your teacher like that' or 'I'm sure that's not true.'  Result? You've put their back up and they've gone into defensive mode. 

Try another way; your response could be: "You think Mr B has been unfair?" or "You sound fed up, do you want to talk about it?"  Trial and error works best with this, they may respond with telling you about the situation (communication, hooray!) or they may just say "Well he has!".  Either way, what you haven't done is tell them how very wrong they are to think the way they do. 

3) Describe what you don't like rather than accusing

'When the house is a mess, I start to feel stressed out' will get a  marginally better response than saying 'You've made the house a mess, clean it up!'  An even better way would be to say what you want 'I need to get the house tidy for the weekend, can you help by moving your stuff please'

4) Smile!  

We're great at smiling when our children are little, but how often do we smile at our teenagers? 

5) Beginnings and endings

No matter what happens, make a decision to start and end each day with a positive. A simple, 'I love you' before bed can mean the world to a teen, but don't expect them to show it. 

6)  What are you looking for?

How will you know if your communication with your teenager is good? Note down what would be different compared to now so that you'll be able to tell when you've got there.

7) Be mindful that good communication is an ongoing goal

You'll need to keep focusing on improving communication as often as possible or you'll soon revert back to old habits. Do you need to write yourself a note to remind yourself?

8) Don't expect their communication to improve

You've set this as a goal for you to work on, it doesn't automatically follow that you're child will suddenly want to communicate well with you. Stick with it and you'll get better responses, but it may take a while, particularly if your child is used to feeling they have to defend themselves.  Teens are greatly influenced by their peers, but over a lifetime our parents are far more influential in our lives. Remember this when you're wondering why you bother!

9) Be clear about the benefits of working on this

What will you gain if you communicate well with your teen? What's in it for you?  How will life be better if you make these changes? If you know why you're doing this, you're more likely to stick at it.

10) Remember that we're all fallible human beings

We all make mistakes all the time, it's part of life. There will be times when you say and do things that create conflict with your teen; that's ok. We're not trying to be perfect here, we're just aiming to improve communication. Saying 'sorry' can be really powerful, as can never giving up. Every time you have a positive interaction with your teen, that's fantastic, you're on the journey!

I strongly recommend the How to Talk so Kids Can Listen, and Listen so Kids can Talk series by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

These are just a few ideas to get you thinking, you'll have many more of your own. The teenage years are among the toughest in our lives; knowing that they're accepted and loved by their parents can make a massive difference.  Good communication helps to show this.

Happy communicating!

With love, Lisa xx

One of 'those' days?

Do you ever wake up and feel like you're in 'one of those moods'?  You know the one; where everything seems like hard work, you just know you're about to have a Bad Day.  Have you ever thought about just observing those thoughts and feelings rather than taking them as truth?

 I woke up in one of those moods today; I felt lethargic and incapable.  Even getting out of bed seemed like a lot of trouble.  Here's what my thought processes were like:

"I've got such a lot to do today, but I feel soooo tired, I just won't be able to get it all done." ..."Maybe I'm ill?"... "Sometimes we just need to write off the day and not worry about it, we're not robots after all.".... "No-one can be happy and full of energy all the time."

Sound familiar?

Can you see what I was doing? I was mentally programming myself for an ineffective day and I wasn't even that aware I was doing it because I was so sucked into my own story!  I was justifying the fact that I was letting myself off the hook by making sweeping assumptions that I could be ill, and making generalisations about people. Now you may have guessed that I'm not feeling that way anymore, otherwise I probably wouldn't be writing this.  So what happened to break the pattern?

I decided to be the observer of my own thoughts. I paid attention to the language I was using in my head and to the pictures I was creating. I also paid attention to where in my body I was feeling the sense of lethargy (in my head, stomach and chest area).  I decided not to judge the feelings and thoughts, but not to let them be my master either. I was going to carry on as normal and just notice what I noticed.

So now it's lunchtime and I feel great. In fact I feel like laughing as I write this because I'm remembering how rotten I felt earlier and how I could have let that be my 'truth' for the day.  So, how are you feeling? What story are you telling yourself today?  If it isn't the one you want to hear you can always send it some love and start to tell yourself a different one.

Have a brilliant day, whatever you decide to do with it!

With love, Lisa xx
PS If you're thinking that some of my thoughts were 'true' and reasonable, it may be worth paying close attention to the stories you tell yourself and the language you use.