Forgiveness

Today is the start of a new term for many children, and many adults across the country.  A fresh start and, in some ways, a new year.  So I was wondering, who do you need to forgive so that you can move on and really feel fresh?  

As a coach I'm used to working with people's present and future selves, but one barrier to success is a long built up sense of anger or resentment towards others. We've all experienced negative situations, and we've all had someone say the very thing that upsets us most.  Some of us hang on to those critical words or negative emotions for such a long time; and they can and do impact on our lives today and tomorrow.

I'm not a counsellor and I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I know from my own and others experiences that forgiveness is the first part to moving on. If you don't feel you can, maybe talking things over with a counsellor would be helpful.  If you want to forgive and move on here are my ideas about how you could do that:

1) Be prepared to delve

Ask yourself, who or what situation needs my forgiveness?  Be truly honest with your answers. Write down a list if you need to.

2) Examine your current feelings.

When you think about that person or situation, how does it make you feel now?  How emotional is it still? And where do you feel that feeling, is it in your stomach, your heart, your head or somewhere else?  Pay attention to what is going on for you.

3) Acknowledge your feelings.

Accept that how you feel IS how you feel.  You don't have to judge, just observe.

4) If you'd like to forgive, ask yourself how.

What could you do that would help you to forgive that person?  Sometimes I write a letter, or visualise a conversation in which it gets resolved.  Rarely (but sometimes), I contact the person direct and explain how the situation or comment made me feel. When I've done this it's tended to stir the situation up rather than make it better though. What do you need to do that will help you to move on, and what are you wanting to move on to?

5) Recognise that it was your interpretation of the situation that led to the hurt feelings.

Sometimes people say seemingly hurtful stuff and we can just laugh it off, other times it cuts us to the core. We are taking information in through our senses and therefore it's always filtered.  When you recognise that you played your part in the situation too it becomes easier to forgive.  Some people may argue that in certain situations there is only one possible way anyone could respond but if that were true we'd all be robots.  Take responsibility for everything that you've allowed into your life and forgiveness will become easier.

6) Begin to look forward

As much as possible, stay focused on what you want to achieve.  If you want to have a good relationship with someone you need to forgive, you can change the way you think, behave and communicate to get a better result.  "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi.

7) Recognise that some people need to forgive you too

It's hard for us to accept that we've done wrong, but of course we all have. I know I've hurt people's feelings and as I'm a fallible human being I probably will again in future. Knowing that I'm not perfect helps me to accept the imperfections in others and also to recognise all that they do that is good. 99.999% of people are just trying their best, including you!

Forgiveness is a big issue, whole books have been written on this subject alone so I've only scratched the surface here.  For me, the benefits of choosing to forgive are that I can be who I choose to be, I can move forward positively, and I can work towards creating good relationships with people.  I hope you've enjoyed reading this, please leave me a comment!

With love, Lisa xx